Some of us have dating down to a science--or maybe just a routine.
We’ve perfected our one-liners, and we’ve written and re-written the scripted “conversation starter” in our minds that’s allowed us to “get by” date after date, year after year. We’ve mastered the art of breaking the awkward silence, and of anticipating what the guy (or gal) sitting across from us will think, feel or say in reaction to us—and if not, we yearn to. What is she thinking? Will he ask me out again? Do I seem nervous?
So much thinking, planning, wondering, worrying. And we wonder why we often find it difficult to “connect” on a date!
So, where has all this anxious preparation gotten us? Blogger Susan Winter explores her decision to ditch facades and get real in a candid piece she wrote for the Huffington Post. A self-proclaimed skeptic of traditional dating methods, Winter had always shunned the idea of dating in the way she saw singles around her typically doing it —an approach she viewed as a pretentious start to an inevitably grim future. She noticed scenes around her in local dating spots which oozed of insecurity, , and technique--all in the name of “developing a relationship.”
In a manner that many perceived as defiant, Susan followed a different course of action: one of uncompromising authenticity--total, genuine, realness-- in how she presented herself to each potential suitor.
The constant skepticism seeped into Susan’s daily existence and self-doubt eventually crept in. Was she ruining her own chances at love by always just being in the moment--by “being herself”? Was her unique approach of unabashedly real communication a surefire way to stay single for life?
Determined to silence her critics (including her inner one) of the notion that she might be missing out on true love by refusing to date in the purportedly “normal” way, Winter embarked on a sociological journey of sorts to explore her existing definition of “dating.” In an act of unbridled curiosity and emotional courage, her experiment began.
For 9 months, she committed herself to “playing the game” she’d seen so many others subscribe to: The one that entailed deliberate flirting, name dropping to impress, and other image-sharpening techniques. Throughout the ordeal, she chronicled the impact of her new behavior on each of her trysts.
Would Susan finally prove once and for all that she hadn’t been self-sabotaging her chances at true love?
Well, 9 months and 98 men later, it was time to reflect.
She’d been wined, dined, and subjected to more awkward, insecure moments than ever before. But was she happier? More fulfilled? Engaged?
When the whirlwind year of speed-dating was over and the dust settled, the clarity finally came: It was a total bust. Susan’s original approach of creating real, natural connections--to being present in the moment and working to establish an honest dynamic--had been much more effective than the pre-planned course she’d charted for those 98 men!
Susan’s 98-men strategy is in no way one I’d advocate. But minus the design of her trial-and-error scheme (and much of the way she portrays modern dating and gender stereotypes in her article), I’ve got to hand it to her. Susan knew herself. She knew what she had to offer in a relationship. She identified and accepted her shortcomings (and hopefully worked on them.) She focused on achieving a real, genuine connection in the moment, and not a contrived version of herself based on another’s expectations. And that’s a message I can relate to.
Whether we meet someone through a matchmaker, at a meal, or in the supermarket, the point is the same: A true, soul connection to another human being cannot be built on false pretenses. After all, how can two individuals possibly build--and in the long run maintain--a soul connection and committed marriage in this way? That’d be like building a castle on quicksand. The foundation isn’t really there at all--it just appears to be.
What if we took a conscious approach to dating and ventured, like Susan Winter did, to just...well...be real?
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