Become the Person You Want to Marry by Mitch Karpp

I’ve written this article because it pains me to see so many people I know continue to make the same mistakes that I made over and over again in dating before I got married in January 2014.

I consider myself to be someone who successfully navigated the tough terrain of frum dating, and have a beautiful wife and an amazing marriage as a result.  I am inspired to contribute to this blog for observant singles because I learned a few things along the path to the chuppah that I hope you will find beneficial and be able to apply in your own lives.  Of course, what I have written in this article is strictly my own experience. Perhaps there are some things that you will identify with in your own dating life--and some things that you won’t.

The most frustrating and difficult aspect of my dating life before meeting my wife was that I was attracted to the wrong kinds of women. This does not mean that I was attracted to bad women--just those who were not good for me. I could be in a room filled with 100 people, and 99 of them would be right for me, but guess which one I would inevitably find myself drawn to and could not never imagine living without for the rest of my life?

For the most part, I was attracted to emotionally unstable people who were trying to find themselves, and despite their love for Judaism, found it very difficult to completely practice an observant lifestyle. Paradoxically, I was also attracted to those who were from broken families --and those who accepted each and every tenet of the “derech” with unflinching fervor and conviction.

I mentioned above that I stopped being frum for a number of years mostly due to the issues I was having with dating. This happened back in 2002; I first became observant in Israel in 1993, when I was 20 years old. Like many newly religious people, I was told right off the bat about the importance of getting married, of beginning a family, of perpetuating the Jewish religion. I was also told that out there somewhere, not so far away, my zivug (soulmate) was waiting for me. (She was in 8th grade at the time, living in Los Angeles.)

Everywhere around me, people were very excited and jumping around in this frantic search for their other half. I was one of them, and I think every week I met someone new who I was sure was the one. Nobody told me that perhaps I needed to mature a little bit more and get more settled within myself before I found the one.

Truthfully, I was unsettled for a myriad of reasons--and being unsettled is not the best foot to put forward if you are seriously trying to get married. It proved too distracting for me, and I am sure that women sensed it right away when they went on dates with me.

I was also terrified of getting married. I don’t think I would have outright told you this had we met someplace, or had I gone out on a date with you. I can’t imagine that working out so well for anyone--telling the person sitting opposite you that you are petrified of marriage.

I might not have communicated this with my words, but I most certainly did with my actions and my body language: Looking disheveled on dates, dating women with no plan of staying in the same city, and always being broke were my ways of communicating that I was very scared of getting married.

I didn’t grow up in a home where the marriage ideal was practiced to its best by my parents. I saw first-hand what could happen to people when they were in an unhappy marriage. Even though this is something that is being discussed more in frum circles, I still don’t think it gets the attention it deserves in the midst of this “Shidduch Crisis”.

I am inspired as a married man to write about these issues on a blog meant mostly for observant Jewish singles because I am guessing that anyone who is reading this blog has a desire to get married, and perhaps has had this desire for a number of years now. I am also supposing that you have experienced frustration, anger, heartbreak, confusion, intense and unnecessary drama and helplessness while dating and looking for the one. I know I did.

These feelings threw me off the derech once, and almost drove me to the point of insanity, until I returned to Judaism with a commitment to never leave again--no matter what--whether I ever got married or not.

I took five years for me to meet my wife from the time I came back to Judaism in March 2008. I most likely would have lost my mind over all of the craziness and insanity I saw, and even participated in, had it not been for a minor miracle. Over these five years, I had wasted a lot of time, money, and energy on relationships with women from all walks of Judaism--from “really excited but can’t commit,” to full-blown Chassidisheh types. But there was one common denominator in all of these relationships: me.

I realized that I first needed to become the person I wanted to marry before I would get married.  This did not happen overnight, and I went through some pretty crazy relationship stuff, but I came out of each one with a new insight-- and a little closer to making myself into the person I wanted to marry.

After about one year of intensive work on myself, I realized that I needed three things in a woman for me to seriously consider marrying her: 1. I needed to be able to have fun with her, 2. She needed to have the same religious hashkafa (outlook/observance level) as me, and 3. She needed to have at least worked through some of her own issues.

This meant that I needed to first be someone who can have a fun time on a date without feeling pressured right away to know if they were the one for me or not. This also meant that I needed to figure out my own hashkafa, and that I needed to have worked through enough of my own issues to understand my own patterns-- and to stop doing the things that didn’t work in order to focus on the things that did.

Megan and I were married on January 5, 2014 and our daughter Esther Shira was born January 30, 2015. She was named after Megan’s grandmother and my mother, (Zichronan L’Bracha). That baby girl is the most precious bracha I have ever received. And there is no way she would be here right now if I hadn’t taken it upon myself when I was dating to really, truly “become the person I wanted to marry.”

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Mitch Karpp Bio: Megan and I are living in Los Angeles, CA now, where we both grew up. She is a social worker and I am a teacher. I have taught on three continents, four countries, and three states. I have taught children as young as three and adults as old as 80. I began teaching in Israel in 1999 and have continued doing so wherever life has taken me. I am now interested in helping observant Jews who have yet to get married, to experience success in this endeavor. Articles that I have written about dating and relationships have been featured on Aish.com. I will be 42 years old this summer.

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“Some College” by Mayer L.

Dropping out of college was a major decision in my life that helped me grow up and develop as a person. Unfortunately, the words “some college” are toxic to an online dating profile, or in a recommendation from a personal reference.

At the very least, girls that I have dated cite my education level as a main reason for breaking up with me, and it's highly likely that it's a contributing factor to many saying “no” even before we even meet. I'd like to share my experiences with you, starting from what college was like for me.

I came into college expecting that it would offer me a broad education, exposing me to new ideas that would prepare me for life. After a semester of seeing an overwhelming majority of my classmates working for the grade, I became pretty disinterested in the system. And I felt completely unfulfilled in my role as a student.

Outside of my major, the core curriculum classes I took were pretty much on par with the level of study I had in high school. Even though I was miserable, I couldn't think of any other alternative. College is something everyone needs to do, right?

And then, in the fall of 2011, I had an idea that changed my life: If I'm failing many classes and feeling awful all the time, maybe I can get a job that would be more fulfilling to me!

I took a part-time job at a music store selling guitars. Although it wasn't a great job, I was pretty good at sales, and... I felt good about it! I was able to help guide people towards purchasing the gear they needed, while making money for myself and the company I worked for. In fact, when January 2012 came around, I was offered a full time position.

I didn't register for the next semester of classes.

I was 23 at that point, and it was around then that I started dating. Although I did find dates, and enjoyed many of them, my lack of an incomplete college degree seemed to be a strike against me in the eyes of many girls. After two-and-a-half years of hustling in the retail environment to earn commission, I landed a better sales position at a different company. Although this position paid better, and allowed me to learn new skills, it didn’t seem to reassure suitors of my intellect or competence enough to allow them to fully overlook my incomplete degree.

Leaving school and getting a job enabled me to feel competent, secure, and in control of my circumstances for the first time in years. I started paying my own rent, and paying off my debt, instead of accruing more. I began spending my time doing something of value to me, instead of trying to satisfy some professor’s expectations. That decision improved things for me in so many ways, but it reads pretty badly on paper---and has been an obstacle in my dating life.

Four years have passed since I last attended college, and in the world of Jewish dating, I still feel that I’m undesirable. (I once had someone tell me after three or four dates that education is important to her, and that “having a college degree is something I expect in a future spouse.”)

Have you ever been rejected because of your education level, or have you ever refused to date someone because of theirs? I would urge you to be more open-minded to meeting people regardless of their academic credentials. After all, there’s more than one path to wisdom, success, and preparation for the infinite challenges that lie ahead.

And, as we all know, there are just some things you’ll never learn inside a classroom.

ATTENTION: BLOG DISCLAIMER! by Shira Strassman

While I hesitated at first to start a Breakthrough Blog, (---contrary to what one might think, self-disclosure about my dating life ain’t really my thing---) I realized that blogging in this context could be a huge opportunity for ideas, thoughts and feelings about dating that were previously swept under the rug, to finally emerge in a public forum.  

I most certainly DO NOT profess to be the voice of [observant Jewish] singles everywhere---nor do I claim to know what others are thinking when they read my ramblings, or how much my stream of consciousness resonates with them personally. I simply hope that my attempt to start a difficult conversation will open up the floor to others who feel inspired to share their own struggles and experiences...that we can discuss them respectfully, learn from each other, begin to understand one another more deeply, and ultimately, become better at this whole dating thing, together.  

On that note, my goal is not for readers to ‘smile and nod’ at my entries (c’mon, that’s waaayyy too boring), but that they will actually help me to build a platform for this kind of dialogue, which has essentially remained a series of (rather unproductive) whispers amongst frustrated friends … until now.

So...want to contribute to the blog!?!  Your entry can be serious, humorous, or a combination of both. There's no specific criteria for what to write---and it can be as personal as you want it to be (pen names are welcome :-). The only general guidelines are as follows:

• It should reflect the main purpose of the blog, which is to: a) create a public forum that allows for singles to engage with each other on various discussion points, based on our personal and shared struggles in dating, b) enable individual, creative expression in the form of writing, c) to make our experiences known to each other (including members of the opposite gender) in order to inform, enlighten, and grow from them.
• It must be appropriate (maintain a generally respectful tone, no foul language - thanks :-)
• It should: incorporate a lesson learned, raise awareness about an important idea, or reflect some aspect of relationship-building that you think other singles can relate to. The entry could even end with a question for readers to think about or respond to.

Want to submit an entry? We can’t wait to read it! Contact us! And enjoy the blog!

The Banana Dilemma (& Other ‘Singles’ Conundrums) by Shira Strassman

(Warning: This entry contains therapeutic satire.)

Being single has its perks. (See my article on Aish.com.)

It also has some interesting challenges.

Take, for example, a “simple” task like a quick run to the convenience store. Got an empty fridge? Grab a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk, right? WRONG!  

For us singles, questions of waste, shared refrigerator space, and cost-benefit analysis arise faster than you can say “shnitzel.” I’ll probably only make two sandwiches the whole week...Should I just buy the bread and freeze all but four slices? Leave it out and risk it going stale, in which case it’s a lucky break for the birds? Skip the bread and go on Atkins?

I guess there’s always French Toast.

If you live on your own, sans roommates, pre-calculating your food consumption is crucial.

How much milk can one person drink before the thing expires???

Not that having roommates solves the problem entirely. (I once had a roommate who, no matter how many times I tried, would not agree to my suggestion that we share milk...even though she probably consumed triple the daily amount that I do. True story.)  

And then there’s bananas. Ever buy a bunch of greenish bananas and before you can blink, there are 6 rotting bananas on your kitchen counter? (Sometimes I feel like they secretly multiply when I’m not looking.)

It’s way too embarrassing to rip off two or three bananas from a bunch at the supermarket, especially at wholesale suppliers like Costco. (I tried it once---got a strange look from a mom with three kids in tow.) But I like bananas. So I just bite the bullet, buy the bunch, and suffer the consequences.

Unsurprisingly, banana bread became my go-to recipe/snack of choice---and, if I may say, I make a pretty darn good one. But now that I’m getting a little tired of banana bread, (--ok, I can barely hear those words without feeling nauseous--) as are my friends, colleagues, and every guy I’ve ever dated for more than two weeks, I’d love to know what other people do with their rotting bananas.

So feel free to send in your recipes. Seriously. My neighbors will thank you.

Get Real - It's Worth It! by Shira Strassman

Some of us have dating down to a science--or maybe just a routine.

We’ve perfected our one-liners, and we’ve written and re-written the scripted “conversation starter” in our minds that’s allowed us to “get by” date after date, year after year. We’ve mastered the art of breaking the awkward silence, and of anticipating what the guy (or gal) sitting across from us will think, feel or say in reaction to us—and if not, we yearn to. What is she thinking? Will he ask me out again? Do I seem nervous?

So much thinking, planning, wondering, worrying. And we wonder why we often find it difficult to “connect” on a date!

So, where has all this anxious preparation gotten us? Blogger Susan Winter explores her decision to ditch facades and get real in a candid piece she wrote for the Huffington Post. A self-proclaimed skeptic of traditional dating methods, Winter had always shunned the idea of dating in the way she saw singles around her typically doing it —an approach she viewed as a pretentious start to an inevitably grim future. She noticed scenes around her in local dating spots which oozed of insecurity,  , and technique--all in the name of “developing a relationship.”

In a manner that many perceived as defiant, Susan followed a different course of action: one of uncompromising authenticity--total, genuine, realness-- in how she presented herself to each potential suitor.

The constant skepticism seeped into Susan’s daily existence and self-doubt eventually crept in. Was she ruining her own chances at love by always just being in the moment--by “being herself”? Was her unique approach of unabashedly real communication a surefire way to stay single for life?

Determined to silence her critics (including her inner one) of the notion that she might be missing out on true love by refusing to date in the purportedly “normal” way, Winter embarked on a sociological journey of sorts to explore her existing definition of “dating.” In an act of unbridled curiosity and emotional courage, her experiment began.

For 9 months, she committed herself to “playing the game” she’d seen so many others subscribe to: The one that entailed deliberate flirting, name dropping to impress, and other image-sharpening techniques. Throughout the ordeal, she chronicled the impact of her new behavior on each of her trysts.

Would Susan finally prove once and for all that she hadn’t been self-sabotaging her chances at true love?

Well, 9 months and 98 men later, it was time to reflect.

She’d been wined, dined, and subjected to more awkward, insecure moments than ever before. But was she happier? More fulfilled? Engaged?

When the whirlwind year of speed-dating was over and the dust settled, the clarity finally came: It was a total bust. Susan’s original approach of creating real, natural connections--to being present in the moment and working to establish an honest dynamic--had been much more effective than the pre-planned course she’d charted for those 98 men!

Susan’s 98-men strategy is in no way one I’d advocate. But minus the design of her trial-and-error scheme (and much of the way she portrays modern dating and gender stereotypes in her article), I’ve got to hand it to her. Susan knew herself. She knew what she had to offer in a relationship. She identified and accepted her shortcomings (and hopefully worked on them.) She focused on achieving a real, genuine connection in the moment, and not a contrived version of herself based on another’s expectations. And that’s a message I can relate to.

Whether we meet someone through a matchmaker, at a meal, or in the supermarket, the point is the same: A true, soul connection to another human being cannot be built on false pretenses. After all, how can two individuals possibly build--and in the long run maintain--a soul connection and committed marriage in this way? That’d be like building a castle on quicksand. The foundation isn’t really there at all--it just appears to be.

What if we took a conscious approach to dating and ventured, like Susan Winter did, to just...well...be real?

Breakthrough Beginnings by Shira Strassman, Founder of Breakthrough

I’m often asked what motivated me to start Breakthrough. (Sometimes, if the bags under my eyes are dark enough, this query takes the form of, “Are you nuts?!”)

Depending on who’s asked, how much time we both have to spare, and on my mood at the moment--I’ll give them either the long or the short version of the Breakthrough story. Both include the Divine Intervention that led me to meet relationship expert Leonard Carr in the summer (a.k.a. South African winter) of 2012 in the midst of a serious-relationship-gone-sour, at which point his timely and sage advice was both life-saving and perception-altering in so many ways. Couple that paradigm shift with my continuous struggle to find Mr. Right, and voila! It was a recipe for some major soul-searching which (unbeknownst to me at the time) planted the seeds for Breakthrough.

In the end, what ultimately prompted me to create Breakthrough, perhaps, was the staunch realization that there was a serious lacking of real, substantive resources for singles like me who sought out opportunities for genuine growth in relationships. While there was an abundance of “singles events” (---the ones I attended usually felt like a social experiment gone awry---), and some classes given specifically for singles (which were moderately informative at best and at worst, downright insulting), neither of those were quite what my soul was thirsting for. And, judging by my still-ringless ring-finger, they clearly weren’t getting me married, either.

Not surprisingly, it seemed nearly all my single friends felt the same way---left to their own devices, wondering incessantly what’s gone wrong in their dating and how to fix it.

Why aren’t we meeting Mr. (or Mrs.) Right? What’s holding us back? Why do we feel so stuck? Why do our dates seem like a dead-end road to nowhere?

So many painful questions. Mounting levels of frustration. No answers to be found.

I was especially disappointed that, in the observant Jewish community, where so many efforts were being made to solve “the problem” of a growing population of older singles, none of the attempted solutions I’d seen (which mostly focused on numbers and gender age gaps) were addressing the real underlying issues that singles were feeling inside, or even discussing amongst themselves.

Determined to find better options, I consulted with Leonard Carr, whose brilliant vision for relationships and passion for human potential are reflected in his Appreciative Personality approach. From countless hours of conversation over the course of many months, it became pretty clear what needed to be done.

It was time to re-direct, in any way we could, the general dating trajectory of singles everywhere. (Or at the very least, we had to try.)

So after hundreds of hours of thinking, researching, drafting, pitching, re-thinking, re-writing, working, laughing, crying, and working some more, Breakthrough was born. (Due to widespread interest and the broader application of its foundational concepts, Breakthrough offers many programs that cater to couples, professionals, and organizations as well.)

These past 6 months since we launched have not been easy---to put it mildly. (I’m still trying to acclimate to this crazy whirlwind of sleep deprivation and Google Drive chaos that has ensued.) But every time someone tells me they’ve gained clarity in a relationship, had a great date, or feel better about themselves because of a Breakthrough program they attended, it gives me a fresh burst of energy and reminds me why I started this project in the first place.

So when it’s 3am and I’m still at my laptop searching for the perfect web template or outlining a new program idea, I take a deep breath, relax, and try to remind myself how lucky I am…

that G-d gave us coffee. And I drink LOTS of it. Because as our Sages tell us, “Kol hatchalot kashot - All beginnings are hard.” And since I’m truly committed to the mission of Breakthrough, well-rested or not, I’m in it for the long-haul.

Starbucks, anyone?