There is Nothing Wrong with You.

Hi Friends!

So, I’m back from my [unintentional] hiatus from blogging.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about blogging topics over the past several weeks, or that I don’t have lots [read:way too many ideas] to write about. Actually, sometimes I feel that there are so many critical topics to write about when it comes to dating that it just feels too overwhelming for me to put pen-to-paper, (hands to laptop?) so to speak.

What tends to overwhelm me the most, as I speak to my dating coaching clients throughout my days and weeks, is the amount of self-criticism I hear from all these amazing single men and women around the country when they initially contact me for help. As if confessing a slew of potential wrongdoings or mis-steps, they blame themselves---and quite unforgivingly---for their relationship history, and for their current unmarried status. “What’s wrong with me?” they ask, expecting I’ll then critique what I’ve heard about their dating, or will validate their negative self-perception.

Most are surprised by my response.

You see, when you’re used to being met with a barrage of criticism (from friends, family, matchmakers, and yes---even many self-proclaimed “dating coaches”) for what you’ve done, said, or felt on a date, you continue to expect more of the same. And you may even hope, on some level, that the next piece of “advice” you get will inform you about some aspect of yourself that you didn’t know needs improvement, and that learning it will be the key to a brighter future.

Well, let me be (perhaps) the first to tell you this, my unmarried friends:

You are not a problem to be solved --- You are a gem to be discovered. Make sure the one you end up with deserves you.

Real relationships are not fashion statements, and when you’re fully present on your date, there are no “faux-pas.” Who you are right now isn’t just good enough ---- there’s truly no image you can learn to present on a date that will be better than the real you.

It’s time to start distancing yourself from those who make you feel less-than. Exposing yourself to their toxic energy is doing more damage to your dating than you may realize.

True healing from dating burn-out begins with taking a deeper look at your strengths, values and blindspots. It means rediscovering what you really want and what’s important to you. It’s about knowing where you want to be, and charting the course to get there.

If you’re ready for this empowering journey, I’m here to support you on it.

For personalized guidance through the dating maze, visit www.BreakthroughWorldwide.com, or set up a time to chat with me so we can get started.

In the meantime, stay strong.

Hang in there.

You’re worth it.

--Shira

THE 4 QUESTIONS YOU MUST ASK YOURSELF BEFORE GETTING SERIOUS OR CALLING IT QUITS

As a dating coach, some of the most commonly asked questions I receive have to do with whether or not someone should settle down with the person they’re dating. Having been there, I definitely understand the confusion, frustration, and desire for clarity – but I can’t answer this question for you.

My job is to equip you with the lens through which you can accurately: reflect upon the quality of your relationship, challenge your assumptions, identify your blindspots, and understand how all of your relationships are actually a mirror of you. As an outside voice with objectivity, my opinion may be valuable and helpful. But you are the only one who can determine whether or not someone is right for you.

Here are just a few of the guiding questions, plus the critical pre-requisite questions I recommend answering for yourself, in order to determine if your current relationship has lasting potential:

1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re with him?

But first: How did you feel about yourself before you met him?

If you can honestly say that you entered into the relationship with a healthy level of confidence and sense of self, then the answer to the first question could be very clarifying. But if you are relying on another person to create your self-confidence for you, that’s a different story – and a big, unhealthy mistake. Your spouse must respect you and treat you with kindness. But ultimately, nobody can give you your self-worth but you!

2. Do you miss him when you’re apart?

But first: How much time do you spend together?

Many people use the first part of this question as a barometer for determining compatibility. But before you can say whether or not you miss him, you’ve got to be real about whether or not you’re giving yourself a chance to miss him! If you’re together 24/7 (or something close to that) then there’s no way you have the ability to answer that question fairly. If you think you’ve been spending too much time together to know the true answer, then speak to the person you’re dating about setting new boundaries for the frequency and length of your dates. Then you’ll get to see if your feelings and deep sense of appreciation for him grow with the distance -- which may be one indication that he just might be a keeper.  

3. Is there a balance of power in the relationship, or does one person dominate?

But first: Are you able to express your needs in general, or are you constantly repressing them? Also, do you give him the opportunity to assert his needs and preferences, and respond respectfully when he does?

All relationships are a constant negotiation of power, so not every decision you and your partner make in your relationship will be your preferred one. (You may decide, for example, to go out for Chinese food one night instead of Italian even though you don’t really enjoy it, because he’s in the mood for it, and you love him, and know it will make him happy.) Marriage requires making thousands of decisions together, big and small. So reflecting upon how decisions are made between the two of you – and more importantly, how you make each other feel while those decisions are being made – is key to understanding the potential your relationship has to succeed. Remember: You don’t always have to agree (and in marriage, you inevitably won’t!). But you do have to feel heard and respected.

4. Does he bring out the best in you?

But first: What are your greatest strengths and contributions to the world?

If you don’t know what gifts you have to offer, then you can’t really know if the person you’re dating is someone who brings them out in you. So if you aren’t quite sure what’s unique and special about you, think about the moments in your life when you felt the most useful, valued and appreciated. Ask your close friends what they value and admire the most about you. Then, think about your goals (which you’ve hopefully shared with him by now) and reflect upon whether or not he’s been supportive of them through words and actions. At this point, the answer to the first question should come to you with clarity.

It isn’t fair to place the entire responsibility of our emotional well-being on our partner. Until a person feels psychologically healthy, fulfilled, and whole on their own, they will continue to find fault with – and shift the blame for their unhappiness and insecurities – onto others. This behavior is unhealthy for any relationship, and it’s certainly toxic for a marriage.

Someone once told me: “Choosing a spouse is the loneliest decision you’ll ever make.” How true! Though speaking to someone who knows you well (and/or a good therapist) and gaining their outside perspective may be very helpful, the choice of committing to someone for life is ultimately yours to make. (Please beware if someone tells you otherwise.)

Yes, it sounds scary to make such a big decision alone. And quite frankly, it is. The good news? If you can be emotionally open and honest with yourself, and with the person you’re dating, then you’ve got what it takes to make a healthy choice about whether or not you have found The One.

5 WAYS NOT TO DATE

Through coaching single men and women and surviving a lengthy dating process myself, I’ve learned that there are some very good reasons why so many people hate dating. Some of these reasons are unavoidable, but many can be circumvented if we’d each just clarify for ourselves what our dating objectives are in the first place.

Here are five common ways that people often subconsciously use the dating process which can lead to negative results:

1. A way to pass the time when you’re single. Dating needs to be a means to an end (commitment), not an end in itself. If you’re a single man or woman who enjoys your independence to the point that you don’t think you could settle down – even if you were to meet a wonderful match today – or you don’t feel an urgent need to get married, then I humbly suggest you take up a hobby that isn’t dating.

We all crave connection and intimacy, but adopting an aimless dating practice in order to “keep your options open” while figuring out your lifelong relationship goals, just isn’t the way to go – and can hurt many people in the process. It’s kind of like heading on a road trip without first plugging a location into your GPS and then forcing your date to come along for the ride. Bad idea.

2. An attempt to bolster your confidence. While dating should always be a dignified process, it should never be used as a method to repair a damaged self-image. Getting into the pattern of breaking up with partners who don’t fulfill your every whim and desire, or who don’t meet every one of your emotional needs, is a sign that you may need to reassess your readiness to date.

Similarly, if you find that you’ve been subconsciously seeking out compliments from your date as a way of improving your view of yourself, or perhaps take some kind of quiet gratification in dumping someone, then it’s time to turn elsewhere for this kind of pick-me-up. Healthy people feel good about themselves regardless of their dating status. And in a healthy relationship, your partner should never be your source of self-worth.

3. A cycle of repeated patterns. We all have emotional blind spots that unknowingly stop us from taking a relationship to the next level. If you’re serious about finding someone to share the rest of your life with, then put some time and effort into uncovering your “blind spots.” (Coaching, or for some, therapy, can be good ways to go about doing this.) As Albert Einstein famously put it, the definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Learn what your underlying fears and motivations are, and you can actually free yourself from the patterns that have been holding you back until now.

4. A self-discovery exercise. Though learning about oneself is often a natural byproduct of the dating process, to date in lieu ofintrospection, a personal growth course, coaching, or professional therapy when needed, is a surefire way to sabotage your relationships. While you’re still unsure what you really want out of life, it’s unfair to use the person you’re dating as a self-discovery kit when all they may want is a solid marriage partner. Stringing him or her along for weeks, months or even years with the false hope that just-maybe-it-could-work-out when you aren’t well aware of your own needs and objectives, actually shows a complete disregard for your date’s priorities and feelings. There are plenty of healthy and efficientways to figure out your goals and values – but doing it at another person’s expense is not the answer.

5. A disempowering experience. After all is said and done, dating should actually feel pretty good. It should never be traumatic, offensive, or hurtful. If you find that it’s been any of those things, then you may have either been dating the wrong people who just aren’t ready for marriage, or dating with a self-sabotaging perspective, or both. It may be time to take a fresh look at the dating process so you can dive back into it with a renewed sense of enthusiasm. Give yourself the opportunity to reignite the spark of hope within you that knows you deserve – and can actually have – the loving relationship you really want.

So, what should dating be? In short: A focused process that encourages genuine self-expression; a journey toward understanding each other's goals and values; a means to find a life-long partner; a safe space to be vulnerable; a chance to appreciate and be appreciated; a mutual discovery of another person’s world; a place where real giving occurs and real love can flourish.

By becoming more conscious of the reasons why we date, we can shift our perspective to support a healthier outlook on dating. This in turn will help produce the good feelings and positive results that can emerge from the dating process. With God’s help, we’ll all be on the path to the loving, lasting relationship that deep down each one of us is truly yearning for.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

“I can’t believe he said that!” “She asked you what?!” “That’s so offensive!”

When judging how a date went, many of us tend to rehash and hang on every word exchanged on the date, and every question asked. Of course, in a perfect world, everyone would phrase things just right all the time and no feelings would be hurt. But here’s the problem: If you hyper-focus on your date’s communication style instead of the underlying meaning of their words and their character, you just might be dismissing someone who really does have what it takes to be your other half.

Before disqualifying them as a suitable life partner, first give them the benefit of the doubt and try to understand what your date is trying to communicate to you about him or herself – their fears, experiences, hopes and dreams – just like we are trying to convey ours to them.

When we do this, we realize that questions that may have sounded somewhat off-putting at first may actually have been your date’s way of trying to protect him or herself, as opposed to trying to offend you. One common way we do this is by self-disclosing (sometimes too much or too soon) to communicate our deeper need to feel appreciated and respected for who we are and what we’ve accomplished.

For example: “When I was a kid, I had a terrible, traumatic experience….” What s/he really wants you to know is: “I’ve overcome many obstacles in my life to get myself to this place. I hope you will recognize and respect me for my personal growth.”

If your date is a normal human being with normal human vulnerabilities, s/he is likely trying to probe for signs of safety to get closer to you. For example: your date said: “Why aren’t you married yet?” What s/he really wants you to know is: “You seem really great and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t have already found another wonderful person to settle down with.” Depending on your date’s tone of voice, another possible meaning of this question could be: “Are you truly serious about getting married? Do I need to protect myself from getting hurt in case you aren’t?” In the latter case, treat it as food-for-thought and don’t waste the opportunity to do some critical introspection: Are you sending the message that you’re not so serious about the relationship? If so, are you perhaps afraid of commitment?

Your date said: “So how many other people have you gone out with?” What s/he really means is: “Is it safe for me to let my guard down with you?” In this case, as in the previous example, there’s an attempt to test the waters of emotional safety. Granted, it may not be the best or sweetest way to express this need, but let’s be honest: Aren’t we all a bit guarded and just doing our best to seek out safety and warmth in a partner? It may be unpleasant to hear (and you shouldn’t feel pressured to answer the question itself,) but here’s the clincher: If a comment like this is met with an empathetic response, rather than a defensive one, you will most likely see the person’s guard come down and their defenses melt, allowing an opening for real intimacy to build.

So if your date says something a bit shocking, bear these points in mind and think twice about the person’s intended message before deciding they aren’t for you. Throughout your dates, listen and look out for indications of strength of character, goals and values, the factors that are really important in a life partner. Whether the person’s subconscious goal is to create security in the relationship or to win your respect, keeping their underlying intention in mind goes a long way toward finding and building a loving relationship that can last.

Dating with Dignity

Sadly, too many singles have expressed to me how years of enduring undignified dating experiences has taken a toll on their self-image, happiness, and overall ability to continue putting their “best foot forward” in dating.

As I listen to their stories, I can’t help but empathize with their pain, and understand why they would not want to invest themselves emotionally in yet another relationship that leaves them feeling so low.

Judaism teaches us that that the relationship of spouses to each other should be "to love her as much as he loves himself, and to respect her even more than he respects himself" (Yevamos 62b). As esteemed psychiatrist Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski noted in his article, Marriage That Endures: “It is of interest that Rambam, in citing the Talmud, reverses the order and places respect before love. Why? Because it is unrealistic to expect that one can have so intense a love from day one. It takes time for true love to develop. However, respect is something that can begin on day one.”

Reversing habits that are disrespectful to your date is key to both unlocking the real potential that exists between the two of you, and getting your relationship off to a healthy start. Here are 5 ways you can start off on the right track toward dating – and relating – in a dignified way:

1. Be curious: To build a real relationship, it isn’t good enough just to hear the words your date is saying. Take genuine interest in who they are and respond with a sense of curiosity. This person is an entire world, with a unique history and set of life experiences. Ask yourself: What is their world about? What are their goals? What values do they stand for? What might they be trying to communicate to you? The answer to these questions aren’t always apparent in the words that are spoken, but rather in the “subtext” of their words, their body language, and tone of voice. Don’t just hear the words – try to experience the entire person in their essence.

2. Ask for clarification: Learn how to withhold judgment until you know the whole story. People often forget that they are entitled to ask questions rather than assume the worst. We tend to imagine that someone meant something far worse than they did, and our off-base assumption might lead to the demise of the relationship. Asking, “I’m curious. What did you mean by that?” can be a life-saver, simply because getting clarity on the intention behind someone’s comment often makes all the difference in how you feel about what they’ve said. Making assumptions about their intentions, on the other hand, could easily lead to a hasty negative reaction and/or premature dissolution of the relationship. So don’t wonder what they meant – just ask!

3. Stay present: By being in the moment, you are giving your date the gift of having your full attention. So go ahead and silence your cell phone for a couple of hours. Not every text needs to be responded to immediately. Your sister got a splinter or your best friend passed her final exam? Get back to them a bit later. (If necessary, you may want to notify a few key people that you will be on a date and your phone will be off.) Unless it’s a truly urgent matter or you’re an ER doctor on call...it can wait!

4. Acknowledge your date’s needs and preferences: If you are planning a dinner date and you know s/he is a vegetarian, don’t make reservations at a steakhouse hoping s/he will be fine with ordering a salad. If you know s/he is giving a big presentation at work the next morning, don’t buy surprise tickets to a late-night show, assuming s/he wants to stay out til 2am. Being attuned to your date’s needs indicates that you are paying close attention to what matters to them, which is an important aspect of dating with dignity.

5. Play it Safe – Literally: Too many women have told me disturbing stories about being left alone late at night at the end of a date. Gentlemen, even if you’ve already decided that the woman you’re out with isn’t for you, be a mensch! Escort her home at the end of the evening, even if it means you’ll get home an hour or two later than you wanted to. Order a double espresso the next morning if you need it to get through the day. However tired you may be, her safety must take precedence.

And now, a word of caution: If these tips sound foreign or unimportant to you, or simply do not resonate, please use this article as a springboard for introspection about your own readiness to be in a long-term, committed relationship. These 5 tips are not meant to be used as superficial or temporary “strategies” for winning someone over (that’s called manipulation). When they are exercised in a vacuum and do not reflect one’s overall character, most of these practices are somewhat inconsequential at best – or at worst, they are downright deceiving. (Playing “the nice guy” (or girl) on dates #1 and #2 isn’t going to cut it if “the real you” who isn’t so nice, comes out on date #3!)

The pointers I’ve listed above are meant to help you achieve a real, lasting relationship built on the foundation of respect, which can only happen if you are a sincerely respectful person! Therefore, internalizing the value of respect is an absolute prerequisite to using these tips effectively, both in your search for your soul mate and to keep things going strong long after the chuppah for many years to come.

Stop Being So Picky!

Being there for a friend in pain can be a tough job. As with any other case when a person needs emotional support, knowing the right thing to say or do when a single friend is suffering through the hardships of long-term singlehood requires sensitivity, wisdom and a genuine desire to provide what the individual really needs in that moment. Sometimes it can be tricky to discern the best way to lend your support. Having previously been a single woman in need of support, I understand these issues well. And today, as a married person, I try to provide it to others.

Supporting singles (or anyone else for that matter) requires a keen awareness of how your ideas and opinions are being translated by the listener. We need to be careful not to inadvertently insult, hurt or degrade our friends. Here are some common pieces of dating advice comparing the intended message to the perceived message.

1. What we say: “You’ve got to put yourself out there!”

What they hear: “Your natural, daily efforts to interact with co-workers, socialize with peers and engage in a normal amount of social activity are simply not enough. You’ve got to actually throw yourself full-force into the lion’s den of matchmakers (even if they are overly critical) and date any single man/woman who comes your way. Don’t spend much time alone or with existing friends, since overexposure is the key. Otherwise, you will never get married!”

The reality: While a reasonable amount of social interaction should be gently encouraged, don’t try to make your single friends do things “in the interest of getting married” that you yourself wouldn’t want to do! (Plenty of introverts have gotten married!) Keeping God in the picture is key!

2. What you say: “Stop being so picky!”

What they hear: “You aren’t deserving of a loving relationship, so you should settle for the next person who comes along that’s willing to go out with you.”

The reality: While some people have unrealistically high standards for a marriage partner, many others are simply not meeting the type of person who would make a good spouse. It is unfair to accuse someone who may likely be seeking someone with basic, good character traits of being “too selective for their own good.”

3. What you say: “Why aren’t you married yet?”

What they hear: “Who you are right now isn’t good enough. Being single means you are flawed or defective in some way. What is it that you’re doing wrong to have landed yourself in this predicament?”

The reality: Would you ask the same question to someone who was laid off from their job, or whose home had a flood from a leaky roof? Quite often, people are not at fault for their own life situations, and to try to tell them otherwise is painful and cruel. Instead of blaming others, let’s try your best to help them feel ready to find the right one.

4. What you say: “There are just too many older singles not settling down.”

What they hear: “I am doomed. My fate is sealed. I may not have a future like the one I envisioned for myself, which includes marriage and a family.”

The reality: Your perception of older singles not settling down may not reflect the reason for any one person’s behavior. Your single friends may only feel disheartened and think they are less marriageable by hearing they are at fault for their single status.

So what CAN we say to our single friends? Often, the best thing you can say to a single man or woman has nothing to do with their dating status. Warm and empathetic messages that help assuage a person’s fears and improve their self-worth typically go much farther in helping them get married than any “advice” will ever do.

We cannot create a climate of love and support, which singles crave, through criticism and judgment. We need to ensure that our words are uplifting and empowering instead of demeaning and disempowering.

May we merit to help our single friends forge their own paths with confidence, and attain the meaningful, committed relationship they’ve been yearning for.

Supporting Jewish Singles

The dating process can be extremely draining. Singles looking for that special someone with whom they can share their life often turn to those they trust for validation, advice, and emotional support. But many of us don’t know the best ways to effectively support the ones we love along this journey, and sometimes end up doing more harm than good.

If you want to support the journey of a friend or relative toward marriage and provide positive change within the singles community, it will be useful to understand the following:

1. Choosing a spouse is not what it used to be. The task of choosing a single life partner in a sea of seemingly endless possibilities can seem insurmountable. Oftentimes, our true inner desires and values are clouded. Delusions of Hollywood romance easily warp our senses and expectations, making an already far-fetched committed relationship seem all the more elusive. Improving our own ability to love and trust will bring the dream back within reach.

2. Nagging singles about their relationship status will not change their relationship status. If anything, this type of meddling just creates feelings of guilt and resentment for those who feel stuck in their fate and deter the person you’re trying to help from sharing their real struggles and emotions with you. If you want to be helpful, refrain from passing judgment and listen to their concerns. Pressuring someone to “just get married!” only erodes their self-confidence and may leave them feeling more hopeless and/or inadequate. Similarly, “Stop being so picky,” is often an unproductive cliché. At times, it may accurately describe someone’s external behavior, but just telling a person to “stop being picky” does not resolve the root problem or help them to emotionally internalize what really is important in a relationship. On the contrary, it more likely causes their defenses to spike in the face of such a critique. (You also do not know the kinds of people that person has been set up with and if the people they’re meeting are, in fact, marriageable.)

3. Genuine emotion and vulnerability are hard to come by. We’re all so guarded and fearful to let our true colors show in a relationship. It’s no wonder why. Elusive standards of beauty and “perfection” in our culture make dating with confidence almost impossible – especially for women. Am I thin enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? Too flirtatious? Too blunt? Not candid enough? The list is unending; the standards unforgiving. As a community, we can start by supporting and encouraging the expression of our true selves within all of our relationships, and building each other’s self-image in the process. After all, vulnerability is a prerequisite to building true intimacy, which is the basis for any lasting relationship. We can also work on being a source of trust and kindness in a world that often seems to project the opposite.

4. We need skills. All of us do – not only singles. We ALL need to become better listeners, givers, and communicators. We need to constantly reinforce the true definition of love and what it takes to make it last, through our own living examples. And we can only achieve this by actively learning and implementing these essential skills that are the building blocks of a great relationship.

5. Don’t be “insane.” As Albert Einstein put it: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Within the Jewish community, we’ve attempted both informal and organized solutions to help singles meet each other for the purpose of getting married. And while many couples have met through traditional “singles events,” the overwhelming majority report their experiences to be discouraging and socially uncomfortable. The concept of going to “just another singles event” is growing stale for many – and so many of the same faces appear at these events month after month, year after year.

From Thomas Edison to the Wright brothers, history has proven that “necessity is the mother of all invention.” Whether it’s light bulbs or lasting love, the power of ingenuity to change our collective fate is real. And, in this case, it is the responsibility of those who have been fortunate enough to find their other half to help find and develop effective solutions for those who (until now) haven’t.

One critical element of taking a new approach is to realize first and foremost that single-hood itself is not a disease that needs to be cured, nor some rampant epidemic in our society that is the fault of the single men and women themselves – as many sadly believe it is. Whether you’re single or married, we are all one family, one community, striving to grow and thrive in our relationships in the face of common obstacles. By approaching single men and women with respect, dignity and understanding, we acknowledge that we all have challenges in our relationships, and together, we can strive to overcome them.

By acknowledging the obstacles faced by today’s generation of Jewish singles, and adopting an approach that is both empathetic and nonjudgmental, we will be able to successfully support those around us on their individual journeys toward finding their soul mate. By building skills and fostering healthy relationships, we can facilitate (and even shorten) the dating process for many people in a profound way.

Now that’s what I call real support.